Currently I've had more needles stuck in me then fill this sharps container. And there are still more to come. I've been upgrade to 4 shots a day, and let me just tell you it hasn't been fun. Besides the difficulty of trying to find surface area on my stomach that isn't bruised or sporting a needle hole my boys and other dear people around me have had to deal with me either yelling or crying and sometimes both.
Byron has been great. After I snap at him for some ridiculous reason he will say calmly as can be "alright mom, I love you" this is generally when I start crying, and apologizing for being a monster. Then Porter comes down and tells me it's time for more belly shots. I've heard people talk about belly shots but I'm pretty sure they were talking about alcohol, because they didn't get all pale and queasy looking when they were talking about them.
But since I am currently jacked up on untold of amounts of estrogen and who knows what other kind of hormones I'm going to write down some of my current thoughts instead of just posting pictures and commenting on them.
Over the last 10 years I have spent a lot of time in and out of fertility clinics. Especially these last two months. I have to go in to the clinic every other day for blood work and ultrasounds, and no matter how nice the staff is at any facility I still leave the office feeling like a failure because I am one of many women who have been unable to get pregnant at will.
I’ve been very blessed in my life. I have an amazing husband who supports me without reservation and I was able to naturally conceive and deliver my son Byron. My life is pretty much perfect. Throw in a million dollars or no school loans, and it would be perfect but then whose life wouldn’t? While I am deeply saddened that we have not been able to have another child these last 10 years I am also deeply frustrated. There are so many women out there who have never been able to conceive or have a child of their own. And all I can say is that I’m not complaining for what I have, but for what I always imagined I was suppose to have and what my body was supposed to do. I guess mainly what has caused me such frustration is the lack of control I’ve had over my own body.
Coincidentally before we started the IVF process I read a book by Margaret Atwood called “The Handmaids Tale”. In this story, society as we now know it comes to an end and there is a fertility crisis. Only a handful of women still have the ability to become pregnant. Because of this the elite who can no longer conceive force those that can to act as biblical handmaids and conceive on their behalf. If the women do not conceive they are basically condemned to death. There are of course many other themes and ideas in this book but I really related to these women and how their lives became centered on their wombs.
Most of us grow up with an idea of what our lives will be like. Many of us are able to chart a course and take steps to ensure the type of life we want. I have not been able to do this. I remember growing up listening to and singing an old Mormon children’s song, I can’t remember what the title was but I remember the words, “When I grow up I want to be a mother and have a family, one little, two little, three little babies of my own.” The song continues with each verse the number of children increasing. Even though now I can’t imagine my life with 2 children or even 3, I still miss the life that I might have had.
I wanted to be a homemaker, I wanted to stay home with my children and create a wonderful home. I couldn’t make that completely happen. My body would fail me every month, so every time I walk into the clinic I am surrounded by countless other women and their feelings of inadequacy, desperation and failure. The feelings seem to permeate the walls of the waiting room and you can’t block them out because everywhere you look there is another woman who is filled with these same feelings. I try and avoid eye contact with the other women in the waiting room because I am sure if I look into their eyes I will see all my disappointments, failures and inadequacies reflected back at me.
I love being able to talk about this process, and I love when I run across someone else who is going through the same thing, but for some reason the waiting room at the clinic makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong in my life to end up there. Crazy I know
Even though I don’t have complete control of the end result of the IVF I do have control of the process. I like being able to chart the development of my follicles and hormone levels, I love knowing that the doctors are going to take my egg and Porter’s um , "genetic material" and actually make an embryo. Even though getting shots in the belly 4 times a day is not fun and the hormones are making me crazy I know that we will be making the beginnings of a child. Whether or not a pregnancy in achieved this has been the most control I’ve ever had over my fertility. And I am glad that no matter what the outcome is that I’ve been able to have this opportunity to exert a little bit of control over my reproductive life.
